I'm not sure if this is alright or not, but I felt like writing about some things that have been happening to me lately and I feel like dA is a more underground place for me to do so.
My boyfriend's been in the hospital for a month now diagnosed with endocarditis because of his addiction problems, with which I've been dealing for almost 3 years and a half, ever since I met him (he's been dealing with this much longer than that). I have never been through something so frightening my entire life. A friend of mine died two years ago hit by a car, the impact broke his neck and killed him on the spot along with another girl I knew from high-school. The one responsible got away with it. I grew up with him, but slowly drifted apart after finishing high-school because of different lifestyles. I can't express how I felt during that time, but what's been happening with my significant other is 100 times scarier and more destructive to me. To top everything, I had six cats at my parent's house (I moved back in with them after graduating college), one of them gave birth to two beautiful kittens (boy and girl) 3 months ago. Everything was perfectly fine with them until this wednesday when the girl (Maya) suddenly died out of nowhere. She just collapsed and died. Apparently, there was some heart malformation from birth and no one knew about it nor did we think something like this could happen. I've had dogs die in my family (but I never saw them dead, my parents sheltered me), but never a baby cat and never like this. I saw her dilated pupils and her still warm limp body on the couch (my grandmother was there with her and woke me up crying and shaking and confused about what just happened) and I thought foolishly that I could somehow resuscitate her and I couldn't. My mother was thinking and trying the same, she came back from work after I called her. It's the third time I've woken up to an animal dying. The boy (Leo) is healthy, but I keep watching over him when he sleeps to see if he's breathing. As I am writing all of this almost objectively, my hands are shaking and I feel like collapsing. I don't know how to be anymore. I am well aware people go through things that are ridiculously worse than what I'm going through and I feel guilty for being almost suicidal because I realized I can't cope with death or dying or anything related to it. I just can't. And I know it's inevitable and it's coming one way or another for everything and everyone, eventually. I tried being wise and calm and I've been as indulgent as possible with myself and I tried as hard as I could to help others around me that are accompanying me through this hellhole, but I am honestly dead inside and I can't bounce back and I'm afraid I'll never truly enjoy anything without fearing absolutely everything that might or will happen. And I can't fucking help anyone either. I've always been anxious and numbly depressive and I don't know how to shake it the fuck off already. I can't believe I brought myself to even write this, especially here. I am still traumatically afraid of something bad happening to my boyfriend (I fucking hate this superficial word), although his test results are good and he's noticeably better, gained weight, feels relatively alright. I've never loved anyone as much as I love him and we've been through a lot of shit together and I just want all of this to stop already. I am scared to death and I can't be strong anymore. I'm sorry you had to read this (if you did), but I needed to write about everything, although I am not creative enough to truly emphasize my feelings, this is all I can do for now and I needed some sort of closure so I can try moving on to the next step. Thank you
I can't believe how much posting this helped me and how many people reached out to me. Thank you all for your amazing support, I didn't imagine what some of you went through and for that, I am deeply sorry and I wish you all the strength and faith and love in the world. I am here if anyone wants to talk about anything as well. I love all of you, you are amazing people, thank you.